You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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