Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
