I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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