I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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