Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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