Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
