just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
