I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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