batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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