You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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