On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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