I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
