on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
