No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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