I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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