I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He shit in the fireplace
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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