he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
