Got a toothbrush?
Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
