You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
