oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
