When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
