Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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