Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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