Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
They have beer where we have blood.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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