My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Randomize