My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize