i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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