who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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