Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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