Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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