Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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