I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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