i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
