I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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