You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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