He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
