If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
