you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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