i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
