Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
