you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
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