So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
