Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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