i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Farmville is her only friend.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
