Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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