Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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