I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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