i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
