sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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