she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
