Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
