i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
