sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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