apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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