friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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