I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize